Wednesday, May 27, 2009

i lost it.

i had a title... and i lost it.

i also used to have an Rx for aderol... and thats gone toO. and i need it. oh... thats right. my title was going to be, "everything tastes better in a wine glass". if you disagree with that statement, then we most likely aren't friends.

i am sitting here, trying to determine where to start my studies for wine class- review notes? do the reading? read the powerpoints and then do the reading? note cards?!?!

i need my meds, damn it! if only i could teleport to canada.

stupid country.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

never, ever, ever have i sO badly wanted to break things and flip washing machines and dryers upside down. WHY/HOW did my one load of primarily PANTS end up getting washed in HOT water? fuck everyone. who the fuck touched my motherfucking washing machine. seriously. i could stab someone.

Monday, April 6, 2009

hello?!

can you hear me now?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

stick ya where the Shun don't shine

yesterday i purchased my very first professional chef's knife.  i bought the dimpled blade because it keeps food from sticking to the blade when cutting. its sexy. :o)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

honestly.

can i just shut the fuck up already?

i've been feeling like a fat ass for how many months now? more than enough months for me to have done something about it by now. my closet is full of jeans i would like to wear again one day.

sometimes i wish i could just drown myself in a vat of velveeta.

death by queso.

le fin.

Friday, April 3, 2009

some more thoughts...

mousseline.

"i'm making a chicken mousseline."

"i'm making a tenderloin mousseline."

oh, kudos to you, culinarians. are you planning on feeding a bonafide carnivore whom has lost their teeth? shaped foods are passe`. not to mention disgusting.

idiots. have fun with your gelatinized creamed meat, you turd.

sitting in farq

farq is the abbreviation for farquhson [probably spelled wrong] dining hall. what was once a nice, barely populated table is now quickly filling with freaks. there are no words to effectively depict my "peers", all i can say is... why?

why.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

what in the hell?

any time i wake up from a nap, i am like a bear emerging from its cave after a winter spent hibernating. i will eat anything. as if i've been on a 3 month hiatus from food. i don't get it.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Monday, March 30, 2009

there is no right way to eat a banana

... at least not when you are utilizing one hand to do other things.

that sounds inappropriate. i mean trying to catch up on blogs, or write, or hold something. 

simply stated, the banana is toO phallic to be eaten in its intended manner, and no one needs a BJ preview. no one is "too mature" to overlook it, regardless, fellatio comes into mind when people are shoving bananas in their pie holes.


just so you know

if you see "modified" palm oil, palm kernel oil, any modified oil on an ingredient list, it is most likely hydrogenated, or partially hydrogenated.

damn those clever corporations.

Nutella... I miss you dearly. and always will. please tell your creators to change their sheisty ways so we can be together yet again.

Friday, March 20, 2009

hindsight

i'm not quite sure if i have blogged about her before or not, but there was a rather large, useless individual [which one?] at my externship site.  one afternoon, during my final weeks at the facility, fatalie [names have been changed to protect the ignorant] was tasked to make the pizzas for the employee dining area. she needed an instrument to ladle the sauce onto the pre-made crusts and asked me to get her a "spoodle".  i stopped, checked my hard drive for a hot minute, came up with nothing and responded with, "what the fuck is a spoodle?" and she kind of scoffed at me, and explained to me, as if i were a small child, what a fucking spoodle is.

WELL, a couple of days ago, my management professor was talking to us about cost control techniques of different chain restaurants in controlling product usage, and she brought pizza hut up as an example. she informed us that pizza hut had a utensil, exclusive to them, which not only measures out the precise amount of sauce needed, but is shaped to distribute the sauce as quickly and efficiently as possible- this utensil, my friends, is called a spoodle. 

HOW FOOLiSH OF ME NOT TO BE VERSED iN THE FiNE DiNiNG PRACTiCES OF PiZZA HUT. i go to the culinary institute of america. i am from new jersey. i don't fuck with spoodles and i don't fuck with pizza hut. i get my pizza from dirty eyetalians, and my utensil of choice is a wooden spoon. not a fucking spoodle. fat idiot.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

bad weather blogging

last week i was sitting in class when i received a text from my number 1 stating, "you're a bad weather blogger."

well... perhaps i am, but to be honest, every day is a g-damn bitchfest with me. i'm surrounded by morons on the regular and i have little to no tolerance for stupid, self-indulgent ignorant people. i haven't goofed around online since i have been back at school. i have no patience and no time for anything i feel as though. i would probably be a lot less cranky if i could get a good fucking meal at this place, instead i am lethargic, light-headed, and cranky for the majority of my day, whereupon i finally get into my apartment between 8 and 9, crack open a bottle, and make something edible. i'm fucking fat, my business casual clothes are toO tight on me, and the only moderately safe bets regarding food on this campus are carbs and lard.  you're not allowed to opt out of the meal plan [which is bullshit anyways. you're eating the food that another student's tuition is paying for as part of their learning experience, and vice versa], so i'm stuck trying not to "waste money" even though the whole damn plan is a waste. i don't want to do any work right now, i just want to sit here and be a brat and wallow in my own crankiness and misery. i also want to walk up to nearly every individual on campus and tell them they are stupid and do not understand the appreciation of good food and they are ruining this fucking school that i am paying out of my ass to attend. 

ugh. "i can't stand it!"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

another potato-less sunday.

its been 2 weeks. sorry, potato.

Monday, February 9, 2009

ch-check it out

6 hours and 40 minutes until i am in aspen.

this is unreal. i seriously nearly lost my mind out here. i cannot believe i am leaving this place! AHHHHHHHH!

one more countdown: 10 days til i see my brooke :o)

Sunday, February 8, 2009

2.8.2009

the potato has sprouted some new appendages. i accidentally broke one off during our photoshoOt. 

this is our last sunday together... and, i am sorry, but i need to throw it out. i cannot travel with it. hasta la vista, baby.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

2 more days.

its saturday. mid-seventies and very breezy. i went for a pedicure this morning, and ended up getting a manicure as well... i figured i should celebrate the absence of manual labor these next couple of weeks. perhaps the color on my nails will last longer than 2 days. 

i am almost done with boxing up the remaining miscellaneous artifacts i have tried not to accumulate while out here. then i need to jump on this extern bullshit and be done with it. for good. ugh. 

that is all. i just felt like blogging for a moment. hope i didn't bore you. :o)

yesterday

was my last day of work. i'd say i ended on a goOd note, food-wise. i served up a garlicked flank steak, roasted asparagus with balsamic drizzle, and a smoked gouda baked penne. everyone really enjoyed it.
other than that, my last day was shit. i was hoping to be completely done with that kitchen and that damn lumpy rodent potato of a man, but nooope. he won't give me my verification letter. all the fucking letter has to state is that i was at my externship site for 600 hours and 18 weeks. i don't understand what his freakin issue is. so now, on top of packing, i have to worry about this bullshit. its ridiculously assanine and unnecessary.

furthermore, no one even knew that yesterday was my last day. i don't care, i don't need a big to-do, but i was informed that for the l
ast intern they had, they had a cake, and gave them a knife kit, and made a big little party for their last day. i don't get it. what did i do to any of these people? and that fat asshole didn't even acknowledge my last day there either, he didn't conclude on any note. ugh. and the situation here is so ridiculous that it is unreal. no one would believe it, i would sound like the crazy one. WHYYYY must chef briggs be in italy right now?! i NEED her!!! 

ugh. fuck this fucking place. i'm out in 2. ima just git it done.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

2.5.2009

yogurt marinated chicken kebabs with spiced couscous & cucumber salad.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

sweetening the deal.

friday is my last day in that kitchen, AND pay day!

2.3.2009

sweet potato sunday had to take a back seat to the super bowl. i think the pink appendage is beginning to wilt... 

in other news, i have begun packing up boxes... but its a little difficult because i plan on shipping my whites home at the end of the week as well. i don't know. i'm very nervous that i am going to forget something. also, i gained about 10 pounds on sunday, and now i am sad that i am going to feel like a big fatty going to aspen... though i do have 6 more days to repent. :o) 

oh, and as far as my resolution. i really think it was a neat idea, but i just don't want to do it anymore. its toO much of a commitment to take a picture of something every day and then sit down and blog about it. plus, i don't really fancy having so many pictures in my blog. so we shall see what i continue to photodocument while in oklahoma, but i can't promise much. though you will be seeing my thursday and friday lunch specials. wish me luck!!!

ps- people are still talking about the shrimp i made 2 weeks ago! HOLLA! 

Sunday, February 1, 2009

i opened my eyes to february.

finally i am filled with a sense of overwhelming joy, and calm. it feels as if my heart is filled with the feeling of spring. the sunshine, the flowers blooming, that spring smell... a much welcomed change from the suppressed anxiety and impatience i had become so accustomed to.

:o)

speaking of anxiety... i needs to get to packing!

Friday, January 30, 2009

1.30.2009

whenever i see this label, and buy this bottle, i think of my number 1. i think it is because of the B, and the swirly image. it conjures a subconscious recollection of her tattoo. and also, the simple elegance and complexity of the logo. it just reminds me of Brooke :o)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

conceited?

.... noOooOOo... no way. not meee....

i was just expressing my recent discontent with being in the bible belt. i know i need to patient and understanding at work, but when i tell someone the story of the time i tried to follow a recipe and was so obsessive over the ingredients list that i forgot to cover the braise before putting it in the oven, i don't need to hear that the answer to my inability to read is to pray to JC.  to ask him to make my food delicious. JC should be praying to me! 

ugh. 10 more days [i'm counting today as over.] and i will be back to my atheist and moderately atheist friends. no overt talk of "the lord" where i come from.

1.29.2009

ridiculous. this apartment complex does not shovel anything, and everything is covered in ice. this would not fly in new jersey. however, i don't really care, because i am not paying rent to live here. 

this picture is the looong walk from the mail area back to my apartment. today it was both long and treacherous. anyways, i must start working on this juice bar assignment. i want it finished before i go to bed.

i can't figure out how many night nights and wake ups i'm at... today was 11 days... tomorrow is 10. so i guess that means 9 night nights and 10 wake ups? 

stoOpid simple arithmetic. stupid dresses.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

because I DESERVE iT!


last week i was in serious debate between a $3100 gucci bag and debt. i couldn't, in good conscious, do it. today, the isabella fiore boutique opened on this super exclusive, very important people only website that my number 1 invited me to join, and i waivered on this bag for a minute. sent frantic panicky text messages to friends.  IMed various people on my buddy list, boys included, for their opinions. 

what it all boils down to is: my impulsive nature, my love for larger than necessary, fabulous quality, leather bags, and my love for isabella fiore. what was i even debating?! she should be arriving, iN NEW JERSEY, on or around February 16th, bearing a note which reads, "YOU DESERVE iT! WELCOME HOME!"

welcome HOME. :o)

off-track

When I first arrived out here I was so excited and driven.  If it weren't for my IDRC course, I wouldn't even have come home for Thanksgiving! I just wanted to work, I was so committed to our mission and vision, and our patients. I guess it was mid-november that i really began to notice that the executive "chef" here is an idiot, the majority of people around me are mean, selfish, and insecure, and that the food we are producing is complete crap. Oh, and that I needed to stifle myself. Another reason why that pesky driving altercation was a blessing in disguise.

But anyways, this about me being driven. And right now, the pedal is not to the metal. i am "working from home", day 2, and i don't give a fucking shit. and i don't even feel bad, i almost said i felt bad, but if i did, i would do something about it. because the fact of the matter is:

#1- we don't have the resources for my vision.
#2- we don't have the storage space.
#3- my plan isn't going to be followed

UgH. whatever. i am just going to bullshit something real quick within an hour at some point today and be on with my time here. Sad.

1.28.2009

i am getting a head start today; just woke up and already snapped a picture. yesterday was cloudy and miserable, and today the sun is beginning to shine, though you can't really see it in this photo. But it looks beautiful, and rejuvenating. i hope all this ice on the ground disappears [transportation hasn't been running shuttles these past 2 days and i am out of water, and technically out of food, being that i have no milk for my cereal]! i am parched.

anywhO- this picture was shot from my fish bowl prison cell. i left the blinds down because they are a lot of effort to pull up. seriously. in the left corner you can see the cancer treatment center, where i work, and all of the construction they are currently working on. they are building more hotel rooms for patients.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

1.27.2009

WHAT?! January 27th?!?! WoWWWW! we're almost there! 13 days :o) i'm glad i can breath again. my mom sent me these flowers with a note saying, "hang in there". i don't like pink. and i'm not big on roses. and, adding to pink, i directly correlate it to breast cancer, so it kinda freaks me out now. but i love my mom. and i appreciate the sentiment. sigh.

things that were important to me before 9.11

LJ excerpt from September 10, 2001, posted at 12:00 AM

Title: u gots to prioritize
mood: tired

things important to me:
1. family and friends
2. sweet, sticky, ooey gooey, green, red, orange, white, purple, anything but brown, succulent greens.
3. boys

Monday, January 26, 2009

1.26.2009

this is my last week upstairs with the nutritionists. i like it up here. they say thank you, and they tell me i've done a good job, and i'm working hard. i haven't heard any sort of appreciation since September. 

last week, while searching for an outlet on my side of the room [in the name of safety], i stumbled upon a plethora of faux fruit baskets. the nutritionists have no idea why they are there either. Please note the pickles.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

an LJ excerpt...

8.12.2002
11:27 am

title:me sO hungy
mood: disappointed
music: Hands Down

body: 
HMPH! 

its fun when u hang out with the boy ur hooking up with and he ends the night with both of ur friends' phone numbers. its an added bonus when he gives one of them a massage and asks the other what her underwear looks like. 

i've said it once, and i'll say it again: i know how to pick all the winners.

unhappy.

i just got off the phone with my dad, his birthday was yesterday. for some reason i thought it was tomorrow. i feel like the biggest JeRK. this place is killing my mother-fucking brain. 15 days left...

1.25.2009

Sundays are now officially "photo-document progress of potato day".  how many sundays has it been thus far? clearly i am only chronicling the days i have left. and this potato and i have 2 sundays, not including today, left in fucklahoma. i can't believe i'm in oklahoma. what the freak?!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My TV Bud

why, WHYYYY does instant messenger always try to add buddies to my buddy list? now its "mytvbud" and it won't let me delete it! every time i remove MyTVBud, it comes back. hglsdhjg;kjskd

1.24.2009


Amy's Organic, Spinach pizza. I am freaking obsessed with her products. They are sO good! The vegetable lasagna is one of my all time favorites, its a little salty, but that is quickly evened out with a nice dousing of crushed red pepper flakes. to the right is the spinach pizZa.  my favorite is the mushroom and olive though. 
for a frozen, convenience food, everything is really tasty. that is all i have to say about that :o) other than give it a try some time!

1.23.2009

 exhibit A, on your right, a smiling gold fish. exhibit B, on your left, a blank stare.In the background: a betrayed, angry, and hurt consumer.

 The wholesome snack that smiles back?? i'd say only 10% of the bag makes me feel warm. The rest of them are just faceless pawns, lost in a sea with no identity.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

1.22.2009

i cannot be trusted with goldfish. 

i just bought this bag yesterday, in my post-work fatigue. i needed to buy toothpaste... and booze. so i picked these up at walgreens, so that i could survive the booze run before getting back to my apartment. i ended up eating about 3/4 of the bag! that counted as my dinner :o(

anyways, i'm in the midst of working on homework. stanton is missing. i am hoping he is either working a double or neglecting me, and that he is physically ok. i worry ever since he tumbled down a mountain and fractured his rib. :o/

back to work... and drankin!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

1.21.2009

my coffee table currently contains "my life" right now. school work has completely taken over my living roOm. on the left are some papers from my externship manual. the brown bag is my homework helper. the lime green binder that says externship on the side is what it is. there is an empty bottle of wine by my foOt, as is my birth control. the walgreens bag contains a mixer and some toothpaste, and then there are some more extern papers, rough drafts and such, topped with a postcard from Aspen :o)

Soon this mess will be gone. as will i. time to get to work!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

faded.

another post.

i am sO tired. i think i need to strategize for work. i eat once for breakfast.... then not again for another 3.5-4 hours and by then i am ravenous, and i can barely pay attention to what's going on. then i don't get to eat until i get home. i ate when i got in. but i still feel exhausted and hungry. this is no bueno.

Dear Resolution,

i want to keep up with taking a picture of something new, every day. i know one day i will look back on all of them in a form of awe. but lately, i'm too tired to snap any pics. i feel as though they all suck. i forgot my phone at my apartment today, and i'm not scrounging some crappy picture in my apartment. i don't feel like taking a picture of anything here, and i won't do so for the sake of my resolution. am i slipping? maybe. but i really do like the concept of our, well now i guess its just mine, resolution. we shall see what transpires...

not all vitamins are created equal

take all information with a grain of salt.

one more thing-

crab curry. yummmmmmmmmm :o)

20 days...

is excruciatingly long. but i gotta keep on keepin' on. 

plus i need to finish my homework assignments and PACK. bah humbug.

19 night nights, 20 wake ups. stanton. brooke. jim. diners. sigh.

Monday, January 19, 2009

1.19.2009

taking a picture every day is a lot of work. sometimes i don't feel like pausing to take a picture. more often than not, i am fairly certain that other people may not appreciate me pausing to take a picture of them. so, this is me, note in the background: my externship manual has taken over the couch. i look thrilled to be staring at the information i need to transform into juice drinks. in pajamas at 6:50 pm. only three more weeks of this... 3 more weeks...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

1.18.2009

its been one week since i happened upon my little friend... i think its dying?

anyways- cardinals won. suck it, mcnabb.

Friday Night Floetry

was the first time in a while wherein i drank, and was drunkish :o)

the constant airing of vh1's [stellar] new loser exploitation reality series, The Tool Academy, has apparently been subconsciously conjuring up recollection of the last person i "dated". And as an homage to this individual, i made a lame attempt at an angry poem [i found this scribbled on a piece of scrap paper amongst the mess that has become my living room], here it goes... brace yourself!

I'd Pick a Flower Over You

I hate you.
I think you stink.

Pretty moving stuff, eh? not to mention inspirational.

This was also chicken scratched, floating around the page:
New to this season of Sesame Street: 
Purple sweater motherfucker; because bert & ernie weren't enough for the gay community.

ohhhh me. 

Jesus

turned his blood into wine because the liquor stores weren't open on sundays.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

its been 12 hours...

and i have experienced no signs of food born illness.

i can say, with confidence, that yesterday really was a success! woOhoO! kudos to me.

cool.

i'm flying US Airways from denver to philth.

i'm ok with it. i figure after this most recent plane crash, they should have their game up by then. 

Friday, January 16, 2009

i feel very proud of myself today. last week i discussed timing and breading methods with chef briggs, and played catch with ideas, and whatnot. last night i wanted to talk to stanton about my timeline for today, but he was watching the suns game and i needed to go to sleep. somehow i managed to pull this together pretty much on my own. i'm very proud of myself. i feel as though i accomplished something. and i am learning things. they tried to throw me into the fire and watch me burn... but i have my angels. and i have myself.  

i kinda feel like the culinary cinderella. they kept me under their clogs for so long... dice the onions, slice the cheese... but now i've been given my weekly moment to shine. and it is a lot of pressure. i need to work on my timing. and that is good, because this is a wonderful learning experience for me. i know my food is good, but i need to get it all together at the precise moment. its just hard when no one offers help, and you don't want to ask for it. everyone has their own shit to take care of, you know? i don't expect anyone to drop everything and help me. but i'm grateful to those who wriggle in the time to do so :o) extremely grateful, and i won't forget that little bit. 

i will definitely miss these people when i leave. everyone. even the bitch-bastards. my friends kept me sane, and all those other assholes made me stronger. wiser. and i'm better for it. i'm grateful for this experience. 

Number 1 lesson learned? things aren't always as they seem. and toO many people have damn good game faces.

1.16.2009

so i didn't post a picture yesterday. whatever. get over it. i'm over it. 

ANYWAYS- what you see here are my surf & turf tacos, unfortunately i could not call them Stantolicious Surf-n-Turf Tacos because we didn't have corn tortillas, and i didn't make my sour cream sauce to drizzle on top.... oh that is just toO naughty.

12#'s of skrimp, and at least 15#'s of flank steak. gone. I had people coming down from other departments to tell me that was the best meal i have ever had here, and i want the recipe, and i just called my husband to tell him about it and i need to take some home to him for dinner, etc, etc...

I told one man, Mark, to e.mail Kalli [ugh.] and tell her that they should really send out a memo to remind everyone that the intern will be cooking on such and such dates. muahahaha.

EAT iT, BiTCHES!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

25 days

i think, and my arithmetic may be slightly off, but i believe i have 23 night nights and 24 wake ups left until i leave this place... 

i'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen... will i just move forward, leave this behind and not look back? or is it all going to catch up with me, and i'll stop being strong?

you need to enter work every day with your game face on, grinning and bearing each day. this morning i was chopping a massive amount of jalapenos when lilia told me there was a man who wanted to talk to me. i turned around to see Clete, Travis' dad. I never really had the opportunity to meet Trav, often he was sleeping, and when he was awake, I would always show up at the most inopportune times. Travis was 25. diagnosed with lung cancer. he passed away this past december, around christmas. on his way home. 

Clete was my first "friend" out here in tulsa. i would talk to him whenever i saw him at the center.  When i saw him today it was a nice feeling, but with such undertones of a sort of sadness. its strange, the energy out here. i don't have words for it... but there are so many ghosts walking around. its so strange to walk down the hall and think about the friends you've made whom you will never see again. i can vividly remember every moment of seeing Jolie that morning I found out they hadn't gone home yet, and they were still in tulsa for more treatment. i remember what she was wearing, i remember that she seemed slightly irate [i would have been too]. I remember standing across from that same spot, on halloween, with my okie teeth, talking to Clete, and looking up as Travis was walking to infusion on the upper level. His dad shouted an introduction, and i smiled my toothless smile and waved. Jolie was my favorite friend out here, and even though I never had the opportunity to hang out with Travis, he's always had a very special place in my heart. Maybe because he's my age, maybe because of the empathy i feel for he and his family. i don't know. but these people are gone now, and soon i will be toO. leaving tulsa behind.

... so what happens next?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

as i sit here watching padma...

it finally feels concrete. my externship is rapidly approaching its end point.

on monday, i begin work with the nutritionists for 2 weeks. it will be a more than welcomed hiatus from the kitchen. i am making serious progress on my externship manual, which will leave me time to throw together some ideas for the juice bar this weekend. then next week and the week following, i will probably toy around with juice blends with the nutritionists and hopefully some naturopaths. its been a fucking shitshow, but i'm glad everything is coming together in the end. it almost always does, doesn't it?

i can feel aspen in my heart, and it feels warm. and wheat beer breakfast of champions... i can't wait. a large dose of stanton with a brooke and jim chaser?! my heart feels at peace. and my head. but you know, we'll see how long that lasts for ;o) 

i am happy.

1.14.2009

nap time. and the sun is peering through my blinds, right into my eyes. ugh. i hate waking up from naps and feeling like crap. i just want to stay in bed and sleeep. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

does this sound like bullshit to you?

for those of you whom are reading this right now, i am going to rightfully assume that you have read the majority of my other posts, and you are well aware of the fact that i work with a bunch of kindergardeners, disguised as disgruntled old okies...

i have been struggling with myself, my inability to lie, and module 7. the prompt is: 
Describe the professional working relationships you have with your co-workers.

after a 1/2 pint of captain & diet, i came up with:
The interpersonal relationships between co-workers are comparable to those one would find in any work environment, but slightly better.  At the cancer treatment center it is inspiring to see that everyone is able to put personal differences aside and focus on what is really important: the wants and needs of the patient. It does not matter if someone is having a bad day, or if someone has stepped on someone else's toes, disrupted someone else's mise en place, life goes on. It is refreshing to work in an atmosphere wherein individuals are able to see past personal differences and actually realize that life is too short to hold grudges, or be angry. Every day is a reminder of the fragility of life, as well as the fact that life goes on;and I feel as though, indirectly, it does impact interpersonal interactions in the kitchen.

because blogger does not allow me to paste, i had to re-type that. and i became aware of the grammatical inadequacies. i have already printed it out, and i don't care. i don't go to school with the most brilliant individuals and am not all toO concerned with this manual :oX so grammar and punctuation aside, what do you think?

externship manual.

about one week ago, i had maybe 1 module of 18 completed in my externship manual. i am now up to 5.... as i am sitting here like a writer's blocked doogie howser, staring at a blank word document, titled mod7.docx. 

What is stumping me is the prompt for Part I: Interpersonal: describe the professional working relationships you have with your co-workers.

There is nothing professional about it. everyone is out to stab everyone else in the back, and everyone hates me for no reason. i can't do anything right. i could write that... but my "supervisor" has to sign off on all of these exercises. and if i write some fictitious account depicting some honky dory fun-fest, i'm going to feel like i'm bending over and takin it in the ass by these dicks. but i can't write an honest account because she's going to be reading it and i don't want to sound like a whiny little bitch. i don't want to do this fucking thing. and i don't even want to cook my special for this week. hmm.... maybe i am a whiny little bitch.

whatever, i guess i'm just gonna keep on keepin on, and give everyone what they want to hear. i'll just consider it some sort of creative writing exercise? sigh.

1.13.2009

ugh. i just can't get it to paste any smaller. which means a portion of my breakfast delight is going to get cropped off, i'm sure. bitch bastard! 

i've been working the grill station in the front of the house this week. jacqueline has been helping me acquire photos and whatnot for my extern manual. this was my contribution... banana pecan stuffed multigrain fraaaanch toast, drizzled with organic maple syrup and garnished with walnuts, pecan pieces, and a small banana stacking. mmm mmm goOd :o) and definitely a power breakfast... fiber, protein, potassium! all that good stuff!

Monday, January 12, 2009

1.12.2009

i  checked my mail today, prior to my measly two miles on the treadmill [which i wanted to 86 at least 7 times during my brief 30 minutes of activity], and received this card from my mother, informing me of some current events back home and this gem of advice: "hope you are okay & please don't rely on wine for comfort. it only dulls everything, doesn't solve anything."

WHAT?! what are you talking about, woman?! i have barely been drinking since my massive hangover in the IDRC class. which was back in november! i'm saving my money for boOze in aspen... plus, i don't know. i just haven't really been drinking. i find that sentiment in the card extremely irritating. just like valentine's day. i'm going to shove this card into my velvet V clutch and never look at it again! hmph!

like a dog.

in attempts at training myself, i successfully went to bed around 11:00 pm last night. waking up at 5 was not as difficult this morning. today i have omitted my daily nap... so far so good. i am going to work out, hopefully stay awake for my gchat date with brooke, and be fast asleep by 11 once again. i'm really not fan of this "normal human being" routine/schedule. :o/

i like my erratic, nocturnal sleeping habits. sigh.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

1.11.2009

this morning i was in a funk. as per usual.

anyways, i've had this sweet potato in the pantry for a little while now, i guess... and i wanted to make myself a sweet potato today for snack, so i pulled it from the bag, and it has grown this pink appendage. for some reason it really creeped me out. i was afraid to turn my back on it, in fear that it would grow at supernatural speed and take over my apartment. why is it pink? and why am i sO freaked out by it? right now i have it on the mantle of my fireplace, because for some reason i can not bring myself to simply throw it away. we shall see what transpires.

last night

i went out with phyllis, felicia, and shonda from work. we went to this spot called "The Living Room". It was for an older crowd, 30 and up, but phyllis is down with the owner, so they let me in. all i wanted to do was drink a lot, dance a little, and have fun... but they didn't have captain, and the tiny asS rocks glass was $7. i ordered a rum and diet, it was strong, so i backed it with a $3 coOrs light. i don't know how people drink that stuff.

i am not aiming to say anything bad, but the men in that establishment needed to back the fuck off. i didn't want to be rude, but keep your motherfcuking hands to yourself. 

#1- you're probably twice my age. 
#2- you look like a pimp. 
#3- you loOk like a half-assed pimp.
#4- i got a man.

#4 was the chosen response... i wasn't lookin to get pimp slapped, you know? but it is a worthless statement. no man is going to respect your man. they don't give a fuck. 

i have a man.
"where he at?"
at home.
"oh. well i got a wife. i'm just asking for a dance."
nah. i'm good. 
"i don't see no ring on your finger."

at which point i transferred my cowgirl ring from right index finger to left ring finger, and walked off.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

sometimes i wonder...

what have i done to deserve the privilege of having so many wonderful, amazing, genuine people in my life?

the real world, broOklyn

the token gay guy, and newly introduced trans-gender real worlder have a date to go out for dinner. i want to be going out for dinner in brooklyn. unfair.

Aspen in 4 weeks and 2 days.... we're going for oysters. :o)

Friday, January 9, 2009

1.9.2009

misSion accomplished.

i haven't really cooked a damn thing since i've been out here. on monday, or maybe it was tuesday, on the verge of tears, which became actual tears once they tried topsy turvying this muthafucka on me, i expressed my concern regarding my externship, and how i feel as though i haven't done anything other than cut vegetables since i have been out here. this resulted in me being assigned the task of designing and orchestrating a weekly lunch special at ricardo's, the employee dining area.

i made skrimp po' boys with creole cole slaw and slathered the bread with a garlicky, old bay & chopped parsley compound butter. BaNGiN! i marinated the shrimp in a ton of garlic, and some cayenne, and other spices, overnight. i made a panko bread crumb mixture, phyllis fried them up for me [i swear she is my living guardian angel], while i set up my mise en place for service. i was about to freak out, until phyllis stepped up to bat, and she said, "you better relax. these people are waiting for you to fail. they want you to fail. you can do this. you're fine. you're alright. you need to relax." G0D BLESS THAT WOMAN.

service started, slow at first. Kenny, the executive chef, and Kalli [shes the manager or something of the kitchen and works in nutrition... she is slowly becoming as wide as she is tall {she's pretty short} and thinks that because she's little and giggly and smiles a lot, she can get away with being a complete cunt. ugh.] sat down at a table, pretty much directly across from my station, neither of them said a word to me, nothing, and just sat. waiting. i really think they were waiting for no one to want my special. well... many people were hesitant to try shrimp on a sandwich [gasp!], but once word of mouth spread, i got freakin SwAmPeD!! there was a huge line, and kenny and kalli disappeared. kenny reportedly was in the kitchen saying, "oh my g0d there is a huge line!"... and that line was for yours truely. i was out of skrimp, and waiting on my next batch to be fried up. and people were waiting for them to come out. 

when i first set up, and was idly standing by, waiting, i felt bad. bad as in "not good", not bad as in guilty. i just could never imagine really wishing failure on someone. and i could feel that energy resonating around me and weighing down on my heart. i tried thinking of stanton, in attempts to make myself feel better, but it didn't work, because i knew how upset he'd have been if he were there. i wouldn't want him to be upset. but then the crowd came. people were running into the kitchen to get more shrimp, more lettuce. my success was indirectly being reported. FUCK YOU, BiTCHES. i know you'll be happy when i'm gone. so will i. but y'all squandered a tremendous opportunity to learn, and i can promise... they will see my face again. i have a special relationship with food. it is my passion. i love it. and i have a wonderful palate. honestly, i'm not gloating, i am really good with flavor combinations, as well as complimentary textural contrast... probably because i used to be a huge pothead.

its sad when people wish bad things on others... is oklahoma so far behind that they haven't heard of karma?


Thursday, January 8, 2009

1.8.2009

nasty.

in celebration of ricardo's, the new employee dining area at work, we are running a promotion wherein we are giving out free type 2 diabetes. yesterday we dished out sinfully decadent bread pudding, topped with a vanilla bean bourbon caramel sauce [i can't fault that dessert, because it was home made, by michell], but today we gave out free donuts, cinnamon buns as large as my head, and apple fritters. all covered in sugar. tomorrow we are serving up free banana splits from 2:00 to 3:00. happy 2009... what resolution?

goals.

i aim to be half-way, or almost half-way through my externship manual by the end of this weekend. and to begin packing up and organizing shit. 

woOhoO!!! home soon. heading to where i belong. for always. ♥

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i am the soup nazi.

i've been working tray line. tray line is the cooked to order area, for inpatients. they don't give us the numbers, but often the chef on tray line is cooking someone's last meal. i try not to think about that, because the dude that usually works it doesn't give a fuck and he is a fat douche. ANYWAYS- the other morning, a patient ordered vegetable broth. just vegetable broth. I could not, in good faith, mix some vegetable base with hot water and serve it up. I had a couple of hours before the trays were going out, and soup is pretty low maintenance. set it and forget it! so i started simmering a little bit of everything in a sauce pan, I wanted a nutritious broth, I wanted to leach those vegetables of all they had to offer. Mission accomplished, to the best of my ability in the window I was given. Strained out the solids, plated it, and it was off on its way. That was two days ago.

This morning Phyllis tells me, "That woman really liked your broth. She had two bowls of it. She never eats anything."

Behold the power of food, and believe in it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

1.6.2009

how beautiful are these fruit and yogurt parfaits? i was was helping phyllis and loretta fill them up for ricardo's, our staff dining area that opens tomorrow. they will be placed in the "grab and go" area. 

props to the photographer. ;o)

Monday, January 5, 2009

192 hours.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA- i had to do it. i'm counting down sO hard that i have to make fun of myself for it. 

anyways, i am attempting to work on Module #2... but i am also in the midst of a g.chat date with brooke. i need my number 1 time. she keeps me sane and makes my heart feel better. my mental mise en place is askew. i am certain these early morning hours do not help. i am not a morning person. at all. 5:30 am is enough to make me cry without prompting. forget the personal attacks by co-workers... bitches.

1.5.2009

interesting. i guess i figured out how to make my pictures really small? i don't care enough to toy with it. this is the fireplace in my apartment.  i still have the flowers from one of my first weeks out here. phyllis was supposed to come over for dinner, and we were going to go for a movie, but then her daughter had to go to the hospital, so phyllis had to cancel. that doesn't seem like so long ago, but at the same time it does.

today was rough. i don't even think i was surrounded with this much bullshit since i was in high school. my head feels like it did those two days i had to fight the registrar and one of the deans when they mucked up and de-registered me. i only have 5 weeks left out here, as of tomorrow it will be 4 weeks and 6 days, and YES that does make a huge difference to me. i think i large contributing factor to my down mood is the amount of bullshit work i've been procrastinating. its giving me anxiety. i'm also concerned about my employer evaluation for my externship. this place is such bullshit. honestly, all i want is to pass. and i really do care about my GPA, BUT i am ready for this experience to be over. everyone keeps telling me that this is good practice for the real world, but fuck you guys. you know how i do: i will create my own reality once i get that piece of paper from the CIA. what the hell do you think i'm in debt to the government out my asS for? to be someone's bitch? NOPE. i'm not putting up with this bullshit when its on my terms. when i'm out of there, i'm out of there and i will not treat anyone how i have been treated, or how any of my friends have been treated while on extern. i don't deserve this crap. its just really hard to be strong when i can't defend myself. there is no defending yourself here, because people just make stuff up about you, and you can either refute it, or try to shrug it off. but the second you utter a word, best believe it will be used against you. i am not an angry person, so it is hard to walk around pissed off. even though that would make life easier. and i'm not a fucking pussy either, but i sure as hell feel like one. i just have to take it while these losers and wannabe chefs have a field day with me- behind my freakin back. sigh. i don't know. obviously i'll get through it, but that doesn't make it suck any less. i should prob pull some of this externship manual out of my butt and put some of these modules behind me. i know that will make me feel better. i should also make sure i have clean whites for tomorrow. this weekend i will pack some of my stuff up. i'd probably also be happier if i were living in a completely sterile apartment that doesn't look lived in. that way i'll feel like i am getting the fuck out of here.

*can we please just note how happy i was when i first got out here? AHAHAHAHAHAHHA




not sober.

i am. at 3:40 pm. cst. fuck central standard time. what kind of standard is this?! 

5 weeks...

equals a mere 25 days of work. 200 hours [work hours]... $2,000.00. i can do this. 25 more days of work. i should count those down. perhaps it will make the 35 days faster. yes. that sounds like an excellent plan. one module for each day of work that i have left? hmm.... i do need to start getting my work done. it is inhibiting my sleep... or maybe i just can't be asleep at a decent hour to prepare myself for my 5:30 AM shift. i'm just moreso concerned with having the energy to work out at some point before it gets dark out. 

alright, goOdnight brooke [you're probably the only one reading this dribble]! i misS you!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

what the freak?!

half of my picture got cut off!! stupid blackberry storm. i hate technology and my ineptitude! grr.....

1.4.2009


i wish my pictures didn't all post so large. ANYWAYS- i finally bit the big one and went foOd shopping today. i really do not plan on cooking much, AT ALL, these next 5 weeks... as you can tell. can you tell i live alone? ... frozen dinners [i freakin looove these amy's organic vegetable lasagnas!], two loaves of sliced bread, so as to avoid the next food shopping trip for as long as possible, which was the same plan as the 3 boxes of cereal, a frozen pizZa- because oklahoma pizza cannot touch the east coast, and i haven't even bothered trying to sample it, madd cold cuts and cheese for my sliced bread... no cooking for this chef!

5 weeks, 1 day and i am outttt dis bitch!


Moments of Sanity

sometimes i have moments where i look out the window, actualize my surroundings and realize: I AM iN OKLAHOMA. what in the freak am i doing in oklahoma? and then, i have moments where i realize my time he is coming to an END. THE END. and i don't have to come back here. ever. well, i will come back to visit my homies, but i mean, thats just for a toO short weekend with my girls. in 5 weeks and one day, this apartment will no longer exist to me. i will never again sit on this couch, or walk my trash .25 miles to the creepy dumpster, or use this awful electric stove. UNREAL! i am sure i will look back on it fondly, and i'm sure once i am gone i will recall memories past in it and miss them, but as of right now- I CAN'T FREAKiN WAiT TO TELL THiS PLACE TO FUCK OFF! however, i definitely need to make it a point to appreciate the people here who don't suck, who i will never forget [for at least a year] , and enjoy every day. because it is going to go fast, no matter how slow it freakin feels. and speaking of which, all the more reason why i need to continue my 3 miles, at least 5 days a week, until aspen.... gotta get my endurance up! know what i'm sayin? ;o)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

like clockwork.

the day begins, and the day ends. while it feels like forever until i see my love again, time seems to fly just as quickly as it is slowly dragging. i wonder if i would enjoy this purgatory more if i had accomplished my assignments in a responsible, and timely manner, as opposed to having this stress and burden on me? i just want to be there already, while enjoying the inbetween... 36 more night nights and 37 wake ups... so close, yet sO far... sigh.

1.3.2009

i woke up this morning feeling miserable about having to work on a saturday, at 5:30 AM, nonethelesS! but when i got into work, i saw that i am off tomorrow. saweeeeeet. not that i have anything to do...  but its sunday, so i don't need to have anything to do! i've been meaning to photo-document the brand BBQ sauce we carry in the kitchen, because i have the maturity of a pre-pubescent boy, and i figured it would be safe to snag one while snapping pics for my externship, so here y'all go. my picture for the 3rd of january, 2009:
hahaha- HEAD country barbecue sauce. according to dawn, "its really good."

who can object to some goOd head on their meat?

Friday, January 2, 2009

:o)

i have to say, i'm very glad i was able to shake today's insanity. i really thought i was losing my mind at one point. well, not really losing my mind, it was more of a battle of me self-pitying and hating oklahoma and my better judgement telling myself not to be such a butthead because i have no right to be miserable. sure my time and potential is being squandered out here, but at least i'm not paying rent, and, more importantly: i am loved. if i had called my mom up crying, drowning in my own imaginary misery, that crazy lady would be booking a plane ticket in a minute to come out here. as would my dad. and tonight my number 1 would rather stay home and have a gchat date with me than go out... not that i can really blame her. i am rather fabulous. and on new year's jim told brooke that it would be great if they could stay in and ring in the new year twice with me on ichat :o) that made my heart smile real big. i have absolutely wonderful friends and a terrific family; not to mention a fabulous guardian angel, whom i misS dearly and cannot wait for her to come visit me [i believe in spirits. obviously.].

Life is beautiful. Make the most of it.

1.2.2009

i missed out on such a goOd image opportunity yesterday morning, as i had dawn's baby boy on one hip, and i was eating a cold, fried chicken wing with my free hand. sigh. but here is today's photo:
i'm not sure why it is posting so huge, especially when i checked the box that said SMALL, but whatever. i know this picture doesn't look like much, and it isn't much... other than really ODD. these are the steps up to the dumpster in the front of my wonderful, gated community... why is someone's stuff hanging over the railing by the dumpster? and the sneakers and everything looked really clean. this is not a place to be hanging clothing to dry.... the dumpster?! yet, the dumpster is right there- why didn't they just throw it out?! a giant community dumpster really freaks me out as it is... it just seems toO easy to dispose of stuff... unless you're this person, apparently, who is using the dumpster railing as a clothesline? any suggestions? i always immediately think crime scene and dead bodies whenever i take the garbage up here. perhaps i will also snap a picture of the big red paint stain at the foot of the stairs. that is legitimately paint, its been there longer than i've been here. oooooooklahoma. 38 days left. i'm feeling kinda depressed. i think i'm mainly overwhelmed with this externship manual, and it just reminds me that i haven't learned anything, and i'm just kinda being treated like dirt. but i really have no choice but to make the most of it. there is no sense in being miserable if being sad FOR NO REASON isn't going to change anything. i should start meditating or something. i am way toO impatient to survive these next 38 days... which are almost 37. as Jolie would tell me when i was telling her i couldn't wait to get to aspen: 37 night nights, and 38 wake ups until i am out of here.

ohhh yeahhh....

Speaking of new year's resolutions... Brooke and I decided that we were going to take a picture, every day, of 2009, and blog about it. for some reason i did not forget about that "resolution" but seemed to overlook the fact that 2009 had started? i guesS i'll get started on that today. and i will remind my #1 to as well.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

typically

it is safe to say that every new year, a sizeable portion of us resolve to work out more and eat healthy. "i'll start in 2009."

well i'm fixin to topsy turvy that muthafucka. today i was a complete glutton. big ol' plate of fothamuckin soul foOd. day one of the new year will be a day of gluttony for me. ring in the new year by absolving temptation. this year will not be a year of restriction, it will be a year of free will power. i'm hitting the gym tomorrow. and the day after, hopefully. i'm going to take it day by day. a year is a big window... as of right now, i'm just trying to make it through the next 39 days... ;o)

the end is in sight

February 9, 2009. the end of my externship. it cannot come soOn enough.

i feel bad expressing how badly i want to go home and for this to be over, because i have made some true friends out here, and without them, my time here would have been completely miserable, but i am so ready to get the F out of here. i feel as though i haven't learned a damn thing [aside for when i worked with michell in baking... which means shit to the CIA because i am a culinary arts student, not baking and pastry]. i have an entire extern manual that needs to be completed, along with this juice bar assignment for the hospital, so i should be grateful for the next 39 days [yes, another countdown], because i have time to complete a shit ton of work, but all i can do is hope that they fly by as fast as possible. 

i want to see stanton, and from aspen, i want to fly into the arms of my brooke and jim, then go home and get my license back and see all of my friends and family. i want to eat pizza. and bagels. i want to go to brioso. I WANT TO SEE NORDSTROM. i don't even want to shop, i just want to see it again. i want to be back amongst the unfriendly faces of new york and new jersey. TAKE ME HOME, FATHER TiME.  lets set the hands on the clock in motion!

38 days as of tomorrow [i know, i'm jumping the gun].... but cross your fingers for me, and hope that time flies by as quickly as it can!!

see y'all real soOn!!!