tall people.

i strongly feel it is unjust that taller people get to eat more than me, and other people around my height. i can't have my cake and eat it toO! and if i do, well then, there goes my wardrobe! >:o(

ugh.

i am really not a morning person, at all. i could go to bed right now and sleep straight through 'til this time tomorrow morning and still, i will not wake up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and excited to start the day.

i am hardwired to hate the early morning. ugh.

b( . Y . )bies

i always wondered how i am a 32D. i thought the D was designated to remarkably huge breasts, not to slight my own rack, but these girls are far from over-flowing cups. i'd rate them as more of a pleasurable handful. Thanks to brooke, i have the answer. it all makes sense now!

so, ladies, men, whomever- boOkmark this page, and share it with your loved ones, peers, co-workers... every one! the search for the right fitting bra is over!

i am woman, hear me roar!

the other day i tried to play a dvd, but i didn't know how to work the tv; there is no input button on the universal remote. yesterday i tried messing with it some more. this morning i took a look at the wires in the back on my way into the kitchen... but just moments ago, i removed myself from the couch and plopped down in front of the tv and i fixed it! i played around with the wires, flipped around to different channels.... and then, low and behold- A PiCTURE APPEARED ON THE SCREEN!

and to think that just last night i was just telling broOke i need a man [for the sole purpose of getting that darn dvd player to work]. ha! anything they can do, we can do better. if we want to. stanton, if you were here, that dvd player would have probably ended up being your responsibility. ;o)

gotta love the double standard.

oh geez-

speaking of the current state of existence being a disasterous downward spiral, i just peeked above my laptop and caught a glimpse of a new britney video. maybe it isn't new. i don't know. i'm an old fart and i don't keep up with these matters. BUT, i can say, this is adding insult to injury...

there are people in this world struggling to make ends meet. losing their homes, losing their loved ones, all because they lost their jobs...

and this bitch lost her complete fucking mind, had her children taken away from her in the public eye... is unfit to roam the earth unrestrained.... and she is putting out a music video? where do people have the money for this shit? is it unrealistic to expect that it be mandated that that region of our culture and society be forced to allocate funds and help save the demographic that supports it?! i'm tired of these fucking bleeding heart celebrities... pouring your glass, or *gasp* bottle of expensive boOze on the ground does not aid in alleviating anyone's pains. and now i'm pissed off, because you could have just mailed me those drops you just wasted. or given it to the bum on the corner a few blocks down.

i just feel as though everyone is so out of touch with reality and the superficial has taken precedence over what really matters. material possessions have become more important than the intangible.

i'd rather be the little old lady who lived in a shitty shoe, than a botoxed beauty with an empty heart and a full closet.

money, money, moneyyyy

i cannot state this matter-of-factly, but i am pretty sure that most people, especially people our age, do not begin their days discussing the state of the economy and its impact on suicide rates in our lovely country... but broOke and i are not your average. but if you know me, you are already aware of this. ;o)

if you've ever had the privilege, or the hardship, of enduring a conversation with the two of us, you know that we don't want your opinion. we're giving it to you.

but today, we have questions, and maybe someone else can help us understand...

at what point do people lose sight of love and focus on finances?

since when do mortgages override moral obligations?

love is life through thick and thin... not picking up and leaving someone's asS with another person, or taking your life, or making the executive decision to take the lives of both parties... no?

yee haw!

i just realized i was able to compose my last post whilst listening to country music! the twang-ing didn't deter me, or distract me [at all] this time!

:o)

.country mix #2.

i received a package this week from Miss Kristin; the contents of which included 1 fabulous wine glass, 5 home made country mix CDs, and a "Tasting Wine for Dummies" game.

snail mail is fun, no matter where you are... but to receive a package, full of sO much thought, when you are so far away from home and anywhere you would rather be at times [cough:cough:Aspen! but i'll also take Oaklyn:cough] is simply heart-warming. aside for all of the empty wine bottles strewn about, kristin's care package has helped to make this big, beautiful apartment feel more "at home".

the events of this past year have really helped me to appreciate and realize those who are worth keeping around, those whom are best kept at a distance, and those best left forgotten.

I have had this conversation on more than one occasion with my favorites- relationships [any sort of relationship, not just intimate. get your head out of your ass and stop watching meg ryan movies. there's more to life than commercialized, desensitized "romance". life is not a romantic comedy; more often than not, its a bad joke; with me at the asS-end of it.] are not based on what someone gives you. HOWEVER, when you give, and give, and give and receive not a damn thing in return, its time to take reciprocity into consideration.

you are not being selfish. it is maintenance of self. it is unhealthy to continually deplete yourself, especially if you are ending up empty in the end. i am not at all flexible [maybe on a good day i can touch my toes without feeling the slightest strain in my muscles or lower back], but i have found myself bending over backwards and tying myself in knots for people whom not only cannot even think to do the same, let alone lend me a hand and help me unwind after playing contortionist for their heartache.

there are a lot of people out there that dislike me, a lot of them know me, a lot of them do not...

-hold on one second, i'm having trouble getting up onto my pedestal...-

OK- the only reason i can conclude upon regarding this distaste, is that i highlight their own flaws, inadequacies, and insecurities. and so they try to flip it around, and make me look like the bad guy, and they can do so. i love it. i flaunt it. let them hate. they aren't worthy of my love anyways. SORRY ASS BiTCHES.

and now, back to country mix #2.

Thank you, Kristin! ;o)

sleeping on the couch...

my bed seems toO big for just me tonight...

anyways- i have a facebook account. the only reason i log into it every day [and this is every day as of recent. i don't really mess with it much, at all.] is for my "fortune cookie" application. it has always been eerily applicable to my life.

today my fortune read, "You will have full contentment by summer's end."

if this is true... i might just melt now. i have such fabulous friends, the best family... and what appears to be a promising future, both professionally and personally. by summer's end this will be solidified? its hard to feel so happy, when there are sO many other lives going on around you, that are not falling into place as perfectly. but i guesS thats just how it goes. take the good, or the great, or the perfect, while you can. because not everything can last forever.

Signed,

one Happy Young Lady

the freaks come out at night

sigh... halloween will not be the same this year. halloween will not be anything compared to what it was last year... which was AMAZiNG!

i guesS we can only plan for next year. its for the best anyways- jessi just popped out a baby, i'm in oklahoma, and sandra, our birfday girl, is engaged[!], so this wouldn't have been an appropriate season for a party bus anyways. ;o)

til next year... may it be bigger, and badder than the last! :o)

the early bird gets the worm.

i'm not toO big on parasites... or mornings for that matter. worms and work at 5:30 in the AM are equally unappealing to me... though people with tapeworms do tend to lose a lot of weight inexplicably, until that golden day comes where they earn the rights to tell the tale of pulling a 30 foot tapeworm out of their rear. i'd much rather sleep in, and do cardio later in the day.

work is kicking my asS! and not because its difficult, simply because i have to be up at 5:00 in the morning, sometimes 4:45 [depending on transportation]. i'm not good at getting to bed early, at one point in my life i was pretty much nocturnal. i like late nights better than day light. i love the sunshine, but physically and mentally, i'm much more awake during PM hours.

anyways, today is officially ONE WHOLE WEEK since baby gabriel xavier finally entered the world! i've been waiting for this moment since i met annie, but she still isn't drinking. which is fine, being that i am in oklahoma and all. ;o) and just the other night, october 19, jessi brought baby girl brooke ashlyn into our lives... demoting me to aidan's #2 girl. sigh.

with all this mothering going on... i probably have no right to complain about being exhausted at the end of a long day of minimal amounts of work.

i've even started taking vitamins... and a vitamin b supplement along with my daily red bull [x2]. perhaps that is why i crash out so hard once my body hits the couch? regardlesS, until this shift is over, there may not be many posts. my mental mise en place has disintegrated.

until then... much Love, y'all!

MiCHAEL MoORE

oh my word- he's gotten larger. and even more disheveled looking. maybe instead of providing an election guide for 2008, he should do some research on the obesity epidemic. fat fuck.

sad...

i guesS its baby season... my girls are droppin them like autumn leaves...

i just wish i was home to meet these joyous little bundles of trouble.

soOn... just a few more months... come february, i will be mixing up batches of baby food and delivering them to my baby mama's.

i love my MiLF's. ;o)

. . . inhale . . .

saturday morning... and it feels like a saturday morning, which is great :o) the sun is shining, outside its quiet... ahhh the weekend.

i woke up pretty early... 7:46, or something... i debated going back to bed, but i usually wake up between 4:45- 5:00 am for for work, so i figured 7:46 wasn't that bad, now i have time to accomplish more. besides... sleeping the day away isn't as much fun when you have no one to waste it with.

time to check the weather and get this day started!

wake up in the morning and its hard to live.

work at 5:30 am is currently the bane of my existence. i am not a morning person... and then to come in at 5:30 in the morning only to be informed that there ain't much for me to do?

completely unmotivating. i was in my own, lethargic, miserable world for about the first 2-3.5 hours of my shift. this is, however, a much more enjoyable "garde manger" experience than averbeck was, plus i get out at 2:00 pm, so i get to see daylight... but i really need to start getting to bed earlier, so that i actually have the energy to enjoy the sunshine!

the early AM shift is also a lot more pleasant, and by pleasant, i mean quiet. its nice... but when there isn't much to do, it does blow! i haven't had energy to work out in a couple of days. but tomorrow is saturday, which means NO EXCUSES! ima work out, hit the liquor store [sick.], go to the supermarket, open a new bank account, and then cook dinner and clean my apartment for my favorite phyllis :o) i'm going to try to get to bed soOn... i have a lot of sleep to account for in these next few hours.

goOdnight, homies :o)

much Love. always.

Dearest Monica...

i don't think the Love of my life is in oklahoma... in fact, i am fairly certain that he is not. :o)

the best thing about best friends

is the unconditional love.

volvos

i'm camped out on the couch, i was excused from work early today because i wasn't feeling well... my face was hot and i felt as though i had ice running through my veins. my head felt cloudy and drowsy, my homeostasis was definitely off. anyways, i'm watching tv, as anyone would do between naps on a sick day, and this "sexed up" volvo commercial came on, in which an extremely thin, older woman [which i personally do not find that attractive] is apparently enamored by the upcoming 2009 s80... and all i can think at the climax of the commercial, when she gets into the driver's seat, is, "great. another terrible driver on the road."

when it comes to selling volvos, i firmly believe they should leave any allusion to the "volvo driver" out of the bigger picture. we all know who they are. my mom is one of them. and they are the worst kind of driver, right up there with asians and PA plates. yeah, i said it.

myspace politics

a couple of nights ago, on yet another great ichat date with my broOke, we decided it was time for me to clean up my top friends. a top 16 is just way toO many, seriously. so i had another glass of wine, you know, to loosen up my inhibitions- the repercussions of top friend deletion can be pretty serious, apparently. brooke and i based my myspace renovation on whom could be absolutely depended on in the event of an emergency. and we also deleted my brothers from the top friends because they're not going to give a crap, it doesn't make me love them any less. my girl ash was an innocent bystander, because she is a true friend, and i know she would be there for me in a heartbeat, but i also know she could give an F less about top friends bs. however, one ex-top went so far as to delete me from her myspace friends, which i'm going to assume, is the equivalent of deleting me from her real life friends... which is the biggest mistake anyone could ever make. that song that the genie sings in the movie aladdin, "you never had a friend like me", was written for me. i loaned robin williams the rights to sing it. ;o)

time to get ready for work... i have a feeling its going to be a slowww sunday. at least i can catch the 8:00 game when i get home :o)

what is happening to me?

i am home from work. cozied up on the couch in PJs... unwinding with a glass of wine and some country music. i must admit, they compliment one another quite nicely.

don't judge me. i'm concerned about this as well.

hot damn!

allow me to start this blog off by stating that i needed to find suitable music to listen to before the words could begin to flow... so i opened up my itunes, clicked radio... and selected country. i gave it a shot, but i really couldn't concentrate with all that twang-ing in the background. i did enjoy the end of a song by George Strait, however. so, kristin and stanton, i hope my attempts made you smile, and brooke, i know you threw up in your mouth a little bit, but don't worry. the music is off... for now.

SO- i moved into my apartment yesterday. this complex is flippin' sweet! there is a big pool, and i guess it is generally warm enough to use, but i didn't pack a bathing suit :o( and i'm usually working anyways. i'd much rather use my days off to explore oklahoma a bit more, since i haven't really had the opportunity to do so just yet. but anyways, i have a fire place, a "sun room", a living room [which they furnished for me with a sweet couch, coffee table, end table, lamp, tv, and chair], A WASHER AND DRYER [you can put me in a tent with a washer and dryer, and i would be ecstatic.], a pretty sweet kitchen [even though the stove is electric. and we won't even begin to discuss my failed attempt at foOd shopping yesterday. i freakin hate food pyramid.], dining room, extra bedroom/study, my bedroom, and a big, huge, pimped out bathroom. that bathtub in there was not made for getting clean. for reals, son.

this place really is amazing. is the CTCA trying to buy me? i have no problem with rolling over and letting them rub my belly some more. if i didn't have to finish up at the CIA, i think they would already own me. i don't think anyone else's externships are treating them this well. it is sickkk.

i woke up early today because i wanted to hit up the fitness center... but i couldn't get in :o( i guess i should have read the Estancia Community Information sheet that was on my fridge. i looked over it when i got in from my failed mission, but by that point i had deemed it toO late to go back. i have 1.5 hours before i have to be at work. i think i'll take a power nap.

enjoy your saturday! :o)

still.

i still have yet to remove myself from this couch. all i ask for today is that everything get done on its own without me having to lift a finger. is that toO much to ask?!

my eyeballs hurt, my head hurts, i'm parched, my body is sore... i don't know if thats from the 6 miles i did yesterday, or the fried chicken. or both.

i need fluids in an IV, a nantucket nectars half and half, or brooke here with some mimosas. i don't find any of these requests to be highly unrealistic.

i shall now pretend to begin attempt #2 at removing my arse from this couch.

timing.

6:00 am is an awful time to depart... from bed, the ground, the bar. it is especially awful if that 6:00 am translates into 5:00 am okie time, which means i would have to set an alarm for 4:00 am to make sure i get to wish my traveller du jour a safe journey.

4:00 am isn't a bad time, assuming you're still awake when the clock strikes 4... but after a night of wining and ichatting with my #1, its pretty freakin rough. as soOn as that alarm in my phone went off, i swear some evil, microscopic, under-the-bed gnome tightened a freakin vice grip on my skull. i don't get headaches. i rarely feel "hung over".

at least i have the day off today, right? WRONG! i received the keys to my apartment yesterday :o) which means today i have to re-pack my belongings and move my stuff. my head doesn't want to procesS all that jazZ when it isn't slightly pounding.

with that said, i guess i should make moves and try to get this over with. i'd like to have time to venture around the blue dome district later this afternoon/early evening.

showering and getting dressed is going to be rough. i hate all that grown-up stuff. hmph.

oh... oOps.

i had put the red bull in the freezer at work. thats why it exploded all over myself.

oh to be dumb again...

oH what the F!

sO... i just got in from work not too many moments ago; a very draining day, and i still have some miles to put in because tomorrow is southern lovin' and if i don't fill my plate with soul, Phyllis is gonna cut me. so i made the executive decision to have a red bull. i don't know if one of the boys in the kitchen shook it up, if i shook it up, or if it becomes highly volatile when mildly agitated, but as i just began to crack open the can, a carbonated eruption of taurine flowed into my lap and onto the couch. and i just sat there. it was too late. i guess standing up would have helped. i don't know. i felt like a little kid who had just peed their pants.

oh to be young again...

its a beauuuuutiful mornin'!

well, i didn't really log in here to praise the start of another glorious day... but the sky is just a cloudless expanse of blue, and the sun is shining super-bright. ANYWAYS, back to biznasS. and then some brief training for Phyllis' itis-platter tomorrow before headin into work.

have a great day!

keep truckin'...

not even a year ago i was cat woman. after cat woman, i somehow morphed into a big, freakin pusSy [pussy as in a dumb-founded idiot wasting time, energy, and heart on something not worthwhile; not a big vagina.], which then transformed into an aspiring cougar, and i am presently a [disgustingly] smitten-kitten... and i would not change a darn thing.

In the past several months, i feel as though i have learned a couple of things... i've experienced how easy it is to lose sight of yourself for the sake of someone else [don't ever, ever sacrifice anything of yourself for someone who could never even think to do the same for you.], i've realized who my truest friends are [and there is not an actual top 20 of them... its more along the lines of 4-5 MVPs... i need to make some cuts to the team, but i don't have the capacity to deal with myspace politics in light of the upcoming election. its just toO much.],and, most importantly, i have finally realized that i am doing exactly what i want to be doing with my life.

when i first moved into my apartment and started classes at the Culinary Institute, my life had gone from a plateau of goOd times to a series of ups and downs... i knew, in the very bottom of my heart, stomach, and liver that the "relationship" i had been in was destined to failure [no chef should ever date a xenophobe. its a conflict of interest. and lifestyle.], and i was pretty down in the dumps about it. my appetite was suppressed, i was not happy [save for when i was gettin my learn on.], and even worse- i was not healthy. i actually FAiNTED [i had never before fainted in all my years.] one morning, in my empty, just-me, no emergency contacts apartment in poughkeepsie, ny. none of it was intentional, had i had the clarity to view myself objectively, surely i would have slapped myself across the face and had a long talk with the mirror. i also happened upon a stalker, who attempted to slander my name [thank the higher beings for Jamie. my guardian angel. savior of my sanity, and heart.], and was simply downright creepy. my license was taken away by the man; and for those who may not know, driving was my life. it kept me sane. it was the only way i could be everywhere for everyone whilst simultaneously allowing me time to myself - to think, to breathe, to be - between pit stops. i had always dreamed of attending the Culinary Institute of America, "number one school in the country, if not the world", but i couldn't help but scoff at the feeling that once that dream was met, the rest of my life steadily collapsed into some sort of nightmare [i'm talking about my heart here. internal circumstance. not physical. i know there are starving children in haiti who have witnessed the horrors of genocide and are now stuck with robert obayda building a hut for them. i am fully aware that my life is not bad at all. i'm just saying i was really sad and my mental mise en place had vomited all over itself. so BACK OFF.].

i felt like i had bottomed out [i imagine rock-bottom involves turning to heroin, or crystal meth. i stick straight to the bottle... red wine will always make you feel warm inside, or make you feel as though your esophagus is burning. regardlesS- it will make you feel something.], but never, ever, ever did it cross my mind to give it all up and just go home. i never entertained that thought, not once.. in my heart, and in my head [the two never see eye to eye on anything, so this was huge], i knew that that was bigger than all of the superficial, emotional drama i was allowing myself to drown in. this was/is the beginning of the rest of my life...

and now i'm here. in oklahoma. WORKiNG iN THE KiTCHEN AT THE CANCER TREATMENT CENTER OF AMERiCA, in tulsa. fixin to save lives with food.DOiNG EVERYTHiNG I iNTEND TO DO WiTH MY CULiNARY DEGREE, BUT ON AN EVEN DEEPER, GREATER LEVEL.

i have moments, every now and then, when i pull my head out of my asS and view my situation objectively, and am just amazed that i have finally arrived here. i work with beautiful people at an amazing facility. not one day has been depressing, not even sad. everyone here has the same goal, and the same vision; and that is to overcome. to persevere. to survive.

there is no room for negativity, doubt, or statistics. thats right. statistics. the mind is stronger than the body. there is no opening for my NJ pessimism [it will forever be within me, trust.] here. every day i wake up smiling. i go to bed smiling- because why the fuck shouldn't i? there are patients here, young and old, FiGHTiNG for their lives, and if they can wake up and face each new day, why the heck shouldn't i?

i love it out here. its FLAT, which allows one to feel as though they can see for miles. The night sky is amazing... pitch black with hints of pink, and a perfectly clear moon. everyone is nice. helpful. friendly. its hard for me to understand sometimes, i've lived in NJ for 25 years... i don't know if you've ever tried to do something as simple as purchase some lip-chap, but customer service ain't really our steez. i make small talk with strangers; i've never been much of a schmoozer, i'm more for awkward silences, but when in rome...

anyways- months ago, i wondered if my heart would ever be as happy as it was before i had succumbed to my second stage of felinity, and i can honestly say that i feel as though my heart is at its pinnacle. dreams, goals, friends, futures...

sometimes the ugliest occurences lead to the most beautiful discoveries. i don't know how i got here, or who's been vouching for me all this way, but i am all-encompassingly grateful.

thank you..... to everyone who has helped me arrive where i am today:

i love you.

goOd night, y'all. :o)

woOhoO! day oFF!

i am freakin tired man [note that f-word right thurr. i'm gonna try to cut back on the swearing. someone told me its not healthy for me.] anyways, i was up til 3:00 am on a very hot, extremely intense date... wining and dining, or just wining, on the internet is great, but the service is kinda lacking. i found myself having to refill my own glass more than once, but other than that i really enjoyed the ambience.

i've been up since roughly 8:40 am, i have no idea why i woke up so early, but i chose to get out of bed instead of attempting slumber: round 2. i cleaned my room, finally unpacked, finally washed my hair; you know- lots of exciting things. BUT right now i am waiting for one of the drivers from the CTCA to come scoOp me up and take me to Drysdales... its a western wear store :o) and i have to go to smoothie king to pick up a sarah palin glass for jamie. AND i might even venture into wal-mart. i have a big day ahead of me, my first day as an okie ;o)

I have off Thursday and Friday also, i'm fixin to do more fun activities then. today i just need to lay low, and get some work done this evening. i've been assigned a FREAKiN amazing project and i want to make the most of it :o)

PROMiSES.

whats strange is that i don't break them, i keep them. in elementary school i signed a contract that said i would never smoke a cigarette and to this day, i have never even tried one. the word promise is an important one. it bears a lot of weight, and should not be taken lightly.

unfortunately, not every can be as great as me. ;o)

sO many shitty things

have happened to me. to you. to everyone.

and i wouldn't change one of them for anything. maybe it hurt you, made you depressed. maybe you got into some trouble with the man. maybe you lost a friend. regardlesS. it has made you who you are and what you are today. and it has granted you the ability and the foresight to appreciate what you have and the potential of others.

and maybe you're stuck in a funk right now, but when you finally emerge, you will be better for it. stronger. and wiser.

so yeah, sometimes life can seem like its out to get you... but really, i think its out to save you. at least i believe so.

just think about it. maybe you'll get it.

southern lovin'... just add butter.

Day 2 on the job, and all i can say is... I Love Phyllis. HOWEVER- she neeeds to stop feedin me that soul foOd she been cookin up!! granted, the butter-basted cornbread, dirty rice, and smoked turkey that she made for all of us for lunch yesterday was beyond BANGiN, but if she keeps this up... i won't be able to fit into my skinny levi's that i'm fixin to wear with my cowboy boots and big ol' belt buckle! and i cannot afford to have that happen to me! i've started my gym routine again, but still- it really is no match for Phyllis' lovin' on a plate; she is just toO damn Good!!

on that note- its time for bed... gotta wake up early and do some cardio... Phyllis told me shes making cornbread again tomorrow. g0d i love her. She really is great.

[if anyone is reading this, please pray for something awful to happen to me that would result in me having to get my jaw wired shut... but no facial or dental injuries. i just need my damn jaw wired shut because i eat like a freakin sumo wrestler.]

goOd night, all :o)

one more thing...

my friends [namely monica] have been teasing me that i am going to meet the love of my life in oklahoma and not want to come home, or even worse, never come home; and then today, my driver, Mike, from the Cancer Treatment Center of America, made a crack about me finding a cowboy and falling in love- what is this? some sick joke? or even worse- foreshadowing?! my biggest fear is falling in love with my position at the Cancer Treatment Center. I can walk away from a man [i can. shut up. i didn't say i could do it easily, i just said i can.], but i can't walk away from myself... and i really do think i may fall in love with this place; the energy is amazing, the people are amazing, and they are doing incredible things here. You really cannot help but open up your heart and take it all in. It is truely awe-inspiring. And this is all coming from me: the Pessimist [or, as Jamie likes to call me, a realist].

... they do have a center in Philly... but I wouldn't be able to get away with cowboy boots and a big ol' belt buckle out there. Only time will tell... besides, before i fall in love with them, they have to fall in love with me first. True statement.

small-town america.

sO... i just arrived in tulsa at about 3:42 pm [4:42 est], yesterday. i have been meaning to begin the blogfest, but for some reason i have been absolutely exhausted. maybe i'm dehydrated... after all, from 7:00 am [est] until about 8:00 pm [tulsa time] i had only consumed a bloOdy mary and 2 packs of honey-roasted airline peanuts. anyways, i just wanted to drop a line, for myself really, no one else [other than brooke and myself] is aware that this blog even exists... yet.

i will try to write tomorrow.

goOd night :o)