could it be an omen... ?

Dating troubles me, or perhaps it is simply the fear of the unknown. Or maybe the thought, or possibility, of wasting all of this time getting to know someone, developing feelings and a level of comfort and then feeling completely deflated once their pants come off.

I'm getting wayyy ahead of myself here, but now that we're there, let me tell you this: Size matters. To me. Another thing that matters to me? Larry David. How the fuck do these two things correlate? Let's proceed...

The year was 2007; I was primarily studying the art of deliciousness at the Culinary Institute of America, but every now and then my eye would wander to this rather tall, thin, "scenester", inked up, handsome young man [yum.], his name shall be omitted to protect the un-endowed. We had hung out a handful of times and I could not quite tell whether or not he was interested in partaking in much more than that with me [as if any straight male really just wants to "be friends"], during these hang-outs I introduced him to my man, LD. At the time I was particularly taken with the "Wide Vagina" episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Based solely on dude's height, I assumed he couldn't be less than average and deemed it safe to indulge in some "wide vagina" vs. the small penis banter [as I type this, I am beside myself. WHO AM I?!], I would also flash him the "wide vagina" hand sign when walking past his class room sometimes [who does this?!]. Fast forward to post-dinner date [I guess he was interested] hot & heavy makeout sesh... articles of clothing are being discarded and hands are wandering... and wandering... NO. No way. NO WAY. When I tell you it was about the size of a baby carrot, a small baby carrot- mind you, I am NOT exaggerating. If I were plummeting to my death, I would not be able to reach up and grab a hold of that [lack-of] thing to save my life. The next day all I could feel was humiliation at my blatant airing of the "Wide Vagina" episode [peep clip here]. The incident has stayed in the back of my mind but never really plagued me, until incident number two...

I had been dating this really wonderful, tall, dark, and handsome type. The conversation was great, excellent sense of humor, decent physical chemistry, and a shared love for LD. Somehow we begin talking about the "Wide Vagina" episode and he remarks, without my prompting, that he is fine in that area. I took his word on it. Fast forward to a few weeks later- hot & heavy makeout sesh, clothing is coming off, and then its game time. WOMP WOMP. Now this was much bigger than a baby carrot, I will give him that, but it did NOT live up to its "hype". I would liken it to a smaller summer squash [my loves of food and men run into one another, what can I say?], and a huge disappointment.

Once again- the "Wide Vagina" episode comes back to haunt me. Could this episode, and the banter surrounding it, be some sort of indicator that I should zip up my pants and run? And furthermore, will my lack of tolerance for anything short of my standards [no pun even intended] prevent me from ever finding "The One"? Or am I wrong to believe that "The One" will have it ALL? Literally- the complete package.

I just don't know. I don't know anymore. And by the way, my vagina is not the problem. I can give you a list of credible testaments if it ever came down to it. With that said, I think I have provided enough information to make individuals of all genders and sexual preferences uncomfortable.

ghosts

Whenever I am driving late at night, on empty roads, somewhere in the back of my mind I am constantly anticipating a car to manifest out of thin air and blind-side me. This may seem bizarre, but after this weekend it is beginning to make some sense...

First, a brief sampling of past "what the f*** just happened?" collisions: Once upon a time, between the ages of 8-12, I was running toward my dad in a shopping center [typical Jersey strip mall] and somehow ended up running face-first into a large, brick column. Fast forward to the age of 22, I am visiting Amara at Cornell and we are walking along the side-walk either to or from the bar and low and behold a parking meter appears out of nowhere and I end up speed-walking into it with my face. And now let's recall this past weekend's wreckage...

Amara and I woke up around 8:40 on Saturday morning, parched and sloth-like. Amara proceeded to get ready for her Zumba class and I opted to stay in bed and be useless until she returned to pick me up for breakfast. Shortly after noon, Amara texted me to tell me she was on her way home; this was obviously my cue to get up and get dressed so we can get some grub, I obviously stayed in bed until my cousin was physically in the apartment asking me if I was ready. I not-so-quickly zipped up my 20-eyelet Charles David boots, paired with my two inches too short yoga pants, checked my hair [which was moderately disheveled, but I determined it to be acceptable], threw on my coat, and we were on our way to Mugshots.

I had just finished ordering my sandwich and fumbling around with the diverse drink selection when someone behind me said, "Hi Miriam". I turned around, and there was Yance [name modified to protect the awful], in all of his typical, ridiculous flair, and of course some female of Asian descent. I mean really- who wears a top hat? Get out of here. Anyways, I exchanged a hollow and unenthused "... hi ...", followed by, "Why does this need to be what I am beginning my day with?" The four of us then stood there, averting eye contact, for what was likely to be 4-5 looong, silent seconds before Amara suggested, aloud, that we should stand elsewhere, and so we walked off, without another word. When we turned around a few moments later, they had vanished.

The following twenty minutes were spent hypothesizing other reactions to my first Yance sighting since the summer of 2010, when he mistook me for a prostitute on my 27th birthday:

• "For future reference, you don't need to bother saying hi."
• "How could you possibly think anything positive would have come of this?"
• "Nice top hat."
• "WHY iS THiS HAPPENiNG TO MEEE???" [very loudly & slowly. totally super-dramatic]

There were some other gems, but I cannot recall them right now. What is important to ponder here is HOW and WHY did that happen? As far as I know, that fool does not live in Philly, and furthermore, what are the odds that he would happened to walk into the exact same sandwich shoppe, out of all of the sandwich shops & eateries, in the entire city of Philadelphia, at the exact same time that I was there. BOOM! Blind-sided.

About this blog...

I created this blog roughly 3 or 4 years ago... a significant amount of posts were written during my externship in Oklahoma, and the more boring, moderately asinine posts are from days that I blogged just for the sake of blogging, ie. this blog was my only outlet to keep me from losing my mind due to a dangerous cocktail of boredom and isolation in the outskirts of the bible belt [definitely not the proper environment for this Jersey girl]. I would like to apologize, in advance, for any posts pertaining to the awful relationship [this is more of me apologizing to myself, and expressing humiliation at having dated a complete psychopath] I was in at the time, and for my excessive use of vulgarities [I went through a phase where I thought I could outshine Susie from Curb Your Enthusiasm; charming as I may be, I aint's no Susie Green].

After this past weekend in Philadelphia, with my cousin Amara, it became more than evident that this blog needed to be dusted off. So much happened that Amara did not have enough room to include them all in her blog post. Furthermore, I am consistently finding myself in absolutely ridiculous scenarios [For instance, finding out my date was only 24 years old halfway through dinner and then having to launch an escape plan because he had clearly drank too much to get me back home. Thanks again, dude.] , and since no one has presented me with a reality tv show yet I will have to portray it myself, via this blog, to my non-existent fan base.

... So here we go again, or don't go- I'm really not that reliable with keeping these things updated.

if you're looking for a positive outlook...

You won't find it here.

Today marks the jump-off of yet another semester. I took full advantage of my "winter break" and did not use my brain at all for the entire month of January; big mistake. Now I have to "introduce myself" on the discussion boards, and I don't even want to know myself at this point in time.