interesting. i guess i figured out how to make my pictures really small? i don't care enough to toy with it. this is the fireplace in my apartment. i still have the flowers from one of my first weeks out here. phyllis was supposed to come over for dinner, and we were going to go for a movie, but then her daughter had to go to the hospital, so phyllis had to cancel. that doesn't seem like so long ago, but at the same time it does.today was rough. i don't even think i was surrounded with this much bullshit since i was in high school. my head feels like it did those two days i had to fight the registrar and one of the deans when they mucked up and de-registered me. i only have 5 weeks left out here, as of tomorrow it will be 4 weeks and 6 days, and YES that does make a huge difference to me. i think i large contributing factor to my down mood is the amount of bullshit work i've been procrastinating. its giving me anxiety. i'm also concerned about my employer evaluation for my externship. this place is such bullshit. honestly, all i want is to pass. and i really do care about my GPA, BUT i am ready for this experience to be over. everyone keeps telling me that this is good practice for the real world, but fuck you guys. you know how i do: i will create my own reality once i get that piece of paper from the CIA. what the hell do you think i'm in debt to the government out my asS for? to be someone's bitch? NOPE. i'm not putting up with this bullshit when its on my terms. when i'm out of there, i'm out of there and i will not treat anyone how i have been treated, or how any of my friends have been treated while on extern. i don't deserve this crap. its just really hard to be strong when i can't defend myself. there is no defending yourself here, because people just make stuff up about you, and you can either refute it, or try to shrug it off. but the second you utter a word, best believe it will be used against you. i am not an angry person, so it is hard to walk around pissed off. even though that would make life easier. and i'm not a fucking pussy either, but i sure as hell feel like one. i just have to take it while these losers and wannabe chefs have a field day with me- behind my freakin back. sigh. i don't know. obviously i'll get through it, but that doesn't make it suck any less. i should prob pull some of this externship manual out of my butt and put some of these modules behind me. i know that will make me feel better. i should also make sure i have clean whites for tomorrow. this weekend i will pack some of my stuff up. i'd probably also be happier if i were living in a completely sterile apartment that doesn't look lived in. that way i'll feel like i am getting the fuck out of here.
*can we please just note how happy i was when i first got out here? AHAHAHAHAHAHHA
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