could it be an omen... ?

Dating troubles me, or perhaps it is simply the fear of the unknown. Or maybe the thought, or possibility, of wasting all of this time getting to know someone, developing feelings and a level of comfort and then feeling completely deflated once their pants come off.

I'm getting wayyy ahead of myself here, but now that we're there, let me tell you this: Size matters. To me. Another thing that matters to me? Larry David. How the fuck do these two things correlate? Let's proceed...

The year was 2007; I was primarily studying the art of deliciousness at the Culinary Institute of America, but every now and then my eye would wander to this rather tall, thin, "scenester", inked up, handsome young man [yum.], his name shall be omitted to protect the un-endowed. We had hung out a handful of times and I could not quite tell whether or not he was interested in partaking in much more than that with me [as if any straight male really just wants to "be friends"], during these hang-outs I introduced him to my man, LD. At the time I was particularly taken with the "Wide Vagina" episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Based solely on dude's height, I assumed he couldn't be less than average and deemed it safe to indulge in some "wide vagina" vs. the small penis banter [as I type this, I am beside myself. WHO AM I?!], I would also flash him the "wide vagina" hand sign when walking past his class room sometimes [who does this?!]. Fast forward to post-dinner date [I guess he was interested] hot & heavy makeout sesh... articles of clothing are being discarded and hands are wandering... and wandering... NO. No way. NO WAY. When I tell you it was about the size of a baby carrot, a small baby carrot- mind you, I am NOT exaggerating. If I were plummeting to my death, I would not be able to reach up and grab a hold of that [lack-of] thing to save my life. The next day all I could feel was humiliation at my blatant airing of the "Wide Vagina" episode [peep clip here]. The incident has stayed in the back of my mind but never really plagued me, until incident number two...

I had been dating this really wonderful, tall, dark, and handsome type. The conversation was great, excellent sense of humor, decent physical chemistry, and a shared love for LD. Somehow we begin talking about the "Wide Vagina" episode and he remarks, without my prompting, that he is fine in that area. I took his word on it. Fast forward to a few weeks later- hot & heavy makeout sesh, clothing is coming off, and then its game time. WOMP WOMP. Now this was much bigger than a baby carrot, I will give him that, but it did NOT live up to its "hype". I would liken it to a smaller summer squash [my loves of food and men run into one another, what can I say?], and a huge disappointment.

Once again- the "Wide Vagina" episode comes back to haunt me. Could this episode, and the banter surrounding it, be some sort of indicator that I should zip up my pants and run? And furthermore, will my lack of tolerance for anything short of my standards [no pun even intended] prevent me from ever finding "The One"? Or am I wrong to believe that "The One" will have it ALL? Literally- the complete package.

I just don't know. I don't know anymore. And by the way, my vagina is not the problem. I can give you a list of credible testaments if it ever came down to it. With that said, I think I have provided enough information to make individuals of all genders and sexual preferences uncomfortable.