oh... oOps.

i had put the red bull in the freezer at work. thats why it exploded all over myself.

oh to be dumb again...

oH what the F!

sO... i just got in from work not too many moments ago; a very draining day, and i still have some miles to put in because tomorrow is southern lovin' and if i don't fill my plate with soul, Phyllis is gonna cut me. so i made the executive decision to have a red bull. i don't know if one of the boys in the kitchen shook it up, if i shook it up, or if it becomes highly volatile when mildly agitated, but as i just began to crack open the can, a carbonated eruption of taurine flowed into my lap and onto the couch. and i just sat there. it was too late. i guess standing up would have helped. i don't know. i felt like a little kid who had just peed their pants.

oh to be young again...

its a beauuuuutiful mornin'!

well, i didn't really log in here to praise the start of another glorious day... but the sky is just a cloudless expanse of blue, and the sun is shining super-bright. ANYWAYS, back to biznasS. and then some brief training for Phyllis' itis-platter tomorrow before headin into work.

have a great day!

keep truckin'...

not even a year ago i was cat woman. after cat woman, i somehow morphed into a big, freakin pusSy [pussy as in a dumb-founded idiot wasting time, energy, and heart on something not worthwhile; not a big vagina.], which then transformed into an aspiring cougar, and i am presently a [disgustingly] smitten-kitten... and i would not change a darn thing.

In the past several months, i feel as though i have learned a couple of things... i've experienced how easy it is to lose sight of yourself for the sake of someone else [don't ever, ever sacrifice anything of yourself for someone who could never even think to do the same for you.], i've realized who my truest friends are [and there is not an actual top 20 of them... its more along the lines of 4-5 MVPs... i need to make some cuts to the team, but i don't have the capacity to deal with myspace politics in light of the upcoming election. its just toO much.],and, most importantly, i have finally realized that i am doing exactly what i want to be doing with my life.

when i first moved into my apartment and started classes at the Culinary Institute, my life had gone from a plateau of goOd times to a series of ups and downs... i knew, in the very bottom of my heart, stomach, and liver that the "relationship" i had been in was destined to failure [no chef should ever date a xenophobe. its a conflict of interest. and lifestyle.], and i was pretty down in the dumps about it. my appetite was suppressed, i was not happy [save for when i was gettin my learn on.], and even worse- i was not healthy. i actually FAiNTED [i had never before fainted in all my years.] one morning, in my empty, just-me, no emergency contacts apartment in poughkeepsie, ny. none of it was intentional, had i had the clarity to view myself objectively, surely i would have slapped myself across the face and had a long talk with the mirror. i also happened upon a stalker, who attempted to slander my name [thank the higher beings for Jamie. my guardian angel. savior of my sanity, and heart.], and was simply downright creepy. my license was taken away by the man; and for those who may not know, driving was my life. it kept me sane. it was the only way i could be everywhere for everyone whilst simultaneously allowing me time to myself - to think, to breathe, to be - between pit stops. i had always dreamed of attending the Culinary Institute of America, "number one school in the country, if not the world", but i couldn't help but scoff at the feeling that once that dream was met, the rest of my life steadily collapsed into some sort of nightmare [i'm talking about my heart here. internal circumstance. not physical. i know there are starving children in haiti who have witnessed the horrors of genocide and are now stuck with robert obayda building a hut for them. i am fully aware that my life is not bad at all. i'm just saying i was really sad and my mental mise en place had vomited all over itself. so BACK OFF.].

i felt like i had bottomed out [i imagine rock-bottom involves turning to heroin, or crystal meth. i stick straight to the bottle... red wine will always make you feel warm inside, or make you feel as though your esophagus is burning. regardlesS- it will make you feel something.], but never, ever, ever did it cross my mind to give it all up and just go home. i never entertained that thought, not once.. in my heart, and in my head [the two never see eye to eye on anything, so this was huge], i knew that that was bigger than all of the superficial, emotional drama i was allowing myself to drown in. this was/is the beginning of the rest of my life...

and now i'm here. in oklahoma. WORKiNG iN THE KiTCHEN AT THE CANCER TREATMENT CENTER OF AMERiCA, in tulsa. fixin to save lives with food.DOiNG EVERYTHiNG I iNTEND TO DO WiTH MY CULiNARY DEGREE, BUT ON AN EVEN DEEPER, GREATER LEVEL.

i have moments, every now and then, when i pull my head out of my asS and view my situation objectively, and am just amazed that i have finally arrived here. i work with beautiful people at an amazing facility. not one day has been depressing, not even sad. everyone here has the same goal, and the same vision; and that is to overcome. to persevere. to survive.

there is no room for negativity, doubt, or statistics. thats right. statistics. the mind is stronger than the body. there is no opening for my NJ pessimism [it will forever be within me, trust.] here. every day i wake up smiling. i go to bed smiling- because why the fuck shouldn't i? there are patients here, young and old, FiGHTiNG for their lives, and if they can wake up and face each new day, why the heck shouldn't i?

i love it out here. its FLAT, which allows one to feel as though they can see for miles. The night sky is amazing... pitch black with hints of pink, and a perfectly clear moon. everyone is nice. helpful. friendly. its hard for me to understand sometimes, i've lived in NJ for 25 years... i don't know if you've ever tried to do something as simple as purchase some lip-chap, but customer service ain't really our steez. i make small talk with strangers; i've never been much of a schmoozer, i'm more for awkward silences, but when in rome...

anyways- months ago, i wondered if my heart would ever be as happy as it was before i had succumbed to my second stage of felinity, and i can honestly say that i feel as though my heart is at its pinnacle. dreams, goals, friends, futures...

sometimes the ugliest occurences lead to the most beautiful discoveries. i don't know how i got here, or who's been vouching for me all this way, but i am all-encompassingly grateful.

thank you..... to everyone who has helped me arrive where i am today:

i love you.

goOd night, y'all. :o)

woOhoO! day oFF!

i am freakin tired man [note that f-word right thurr. i'm gonna try to cut back on the swearing. someone told me its not healthy for me.] anyways, i was up til 3:00 am on a very hot, extremely intense date... wining and dining, or just wining, on the internet is great, but the service is kinda lacking. i found myself having to refill my own glass more than once, but other than that i really enjoyed the ambience.

i've been up since roughly 8:40 am, i have no idea why i woke up so early, but i chose to get out of bed instead of attempting slumber: round 2. i cleaned my room, finally unpacked, finally washed my hair; you know- lots of exciting things. BUT right now i am waiting for one of the drivers from the CTCA to come scoOp me up and take me to Drysdales... its a western wear store :o) and i have to go to smoothie king to pick up a sarah palin glass for jamie. AND i might even venture into wal-mart. i have a big day ahead of me, my first day as an okie ;o)

I have off Thursday and Friday also, i'm fixin to do more fun activities then. today i just need to lay low, and get some work done this evening. i've been assigned a FREAKiN amazing project and i want to make the most of it :o)

PROMiSES.

whats strange is that i don't break them, i keep them. in elementary school i signed a contract that said i would never smoke a cigarette and to this day, i have never even tried one. the word promise is an important one. it bears a lot of weight, and should not be taken lightly.

unfortunately, not every can be as great as me. ;o)

sO many shitty things

have happened to me. to you. to everyone.

and i wouldn't change one of them for anything. maybe it hurt you, made you depressed. maybe you got into some trouble with the man. maybe you lost a friend. regardlesS. it has made you who you are and what you are today. and it has granted you the ability and the foresight to appreciate what you have and the potential of others.

and maybe you're stuck in a funk right now, but when you finally emerge, you will be better for it. stronger. and wiser.

so yeah, sometimes life can seem like its out to get you... but really, i think its out to save you. at least i believe so.

just think about it. maybe you'll get it.